Yep...

I hurt in many places today. My knees, ankles, and feet from running, my abdomen from hits and punches, my arms from bruises, my back from the strains of moving and dodging and fighting, my head from being hit and slammed into the door of an ambulance moving 70mph on the freeway. And my mind, but that, like the rest of my body, is healing quicker than I thought.

I feel the need to keep it quiet, because it's shameful.... that, I must ignore. Not that I'm going to shout it from the high heavens, but neither am I going to purposefully lock it away. It's not healthy. I know that all too well.

This has affected me more than the ambulance accident. There's just something more personal about being beaten by your patient and refusing to let him escape, than there is about your partner falling asleep at the wheel and rear-ending a car. It showcases the vulnerability we as EMTs have, and the ways in which we put our lives on the line every day. I came dangerously close to being pushed out the back of a freeway-speed ambulance yesterday, but I survived.

My job is dangerous... I can't deny that. And days like today, I wonder if it's truly worth it.

But then I remember the patients that make everything worth it -- patients like the dear old lady I helped to overcome her all-encompassing fear and pass a daunting medical test; patients like the sixteen year old whose hand I held while treating her as we raced Code 3 to the hospital when she suddenly experienced life-threatening difficulty breathing; patients like the four month old who was blue and lifeless but angrily screaming by the time we got to the hospital.

But the only thing I can think about yesterday, excluding all of the negative things, is "Damn! I didn't know I could run that far!"