Today hasn't been awesome, either. This morning I was suddenly struck with really bad abdominal pain (not sure pain is the right word -- it was more of an intense dull ache accompanied by this feeling of everything in my lower abdomen stretching way too tight and negative pressure inside, although I don't think that makes much sense)... I ended up on the floor in the fetal position for about an hour, in a cold sweat, so pale I couldn't even see my lips, shaking uncontrollably, and becoming somewhat nauseous. I was getting ready to call 911 at the hour mark when suddenly everything got better -- well, 95% better. I feel like I'm finally getting back to normal now, at the very end of the evening.
I don't know what caused it, but I suspect stress. When I am anxious, the nervous adrenaline rush I get goes straight to my abdomen... exactly where the pain started. It was probably combination psychological and physiological, but regardless, it terrified me.
The rest of the day was mildly better. I ended up breaking down on the phone with Nate and spent over an hour sobbing about everything that is bothering me. I believe it helped, although right now I'm kind of emotionally numb after that great outburst.
I need to find my peace and my center. These past few weeks have really knocked me off-kilter. I'm not really one to quote prayers -- I prefer to say what comes into my mind -- but the full Serenity Prayer is particularly apt these days.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
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