Frustration

I flip-flop on a lot of issues. It's not that I'm indecisive; it's that my knowledge base is constantly growing and shifting, and I have to learn to reconcile what I know with what I'm learning, and form it into one coherent belief.

I'm a devil's advocate, and often convince myself of views I formerly disliked, because I increase the knowledge base in one given area. Call it liberation, call it free choice... call it what you will. I pick a view after researching, and stubbornly stick with it until there are so many pounds of evidence weighing on my back that refusing to change my view is choosing to let it break.

I am stubborn, and a bit prideful -- painfully so at times. I change my views, but don't want people to know, because I know that their perceptions will change. They'll see me as indecisive, fickle, vain.

But really, I'm just searching for truth in a deceptive world, and I'm not always good at deciphering the facts. Call it the sin nature, call it human tendency... call it the ability to be led astray with sugar-coated lies.

It's easy to believe what you want to believe.

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It's funny how it's the moments where you're farthest away from God that are the moments where you hear His voice most clearly. It's the grating whisper you can't ignore; the prickle of the spine and the gnawing of the conscience, when before the world was silent because you believed everything was okay.

And then you wonder whether you're as far as you seem, or if you're moving back already, inch by painful inch.

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Ignorance is bliss.