....really sucks.
I am very sensitive to my own actions and how people perceive them. I will get in the most depressed of moods if the homeostasis of self-perception vs. societal perception is rocked off kilter.
Such is the problem with contingent self esteem. I can never seem to be okay with myself if others are not okay with me... and if someone has an issue with one aspect of who I am, I see it as a condemnation of my entire character.
It's probably one of my greatest flaws... the seeming inability to be confident in who I am. Sure, I act confident most of the time, and a lot of the time I even feel that confidence. But it doesn't take much to shake it -- just the right combination of people and situation.
And then I'll come crashing down, into a horrible self-hating mood, and think that I'm worthless and that trait xyz must be why I have so very few friends and sometimes have problems relating to people.
(But in reality it's me holding myself back because I fear the judgment leading to the worthlessness, so I shut myself off from the judgment and then become a lonely little outcast -- all of my own making. I'm a bit of an enabler.)
Tonight is one of those nights. My neurotic, Type A, somewhat controlling personality is depressing me greatly. (And apparently everyone thinks I'm going to be an insane Bride-zilla, crazy pregnant lady, and overbearing mother -- three labels with very negative connotations that make me want to crawl into a little hole and die.)
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Oh, and today somebody thought it would be funny to pretend to get in a car accident while I was in the back seat. Cue flashbacks... I guess I perhaps do have slight PTSD. -.-
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