Growing Up

For the first time, I didn't sleep at all during my overnight shift. Why? No reason, really... I was studying and watching Dexter. We didn't have a single call, so I could have slept. But I didn't. And then I went to church.

I stayed awake throughout most of the service, although I nodded off here and there while listening to my dad preach. Granted, he knew how tired I was and so was not upset that I was drifting a bit, but I still felt somewhat bad.

My mother insisted on driving me home since I hadn't slept in a long while. I let her, although I was fine to drive; it made her feel better, and it's always good to be safe rather than sorry.

I got to visit my grandpa later, which was nice. I know he really appreciates that I take time out of my life to see him, and I really do miss him when a long while goes by without visiting. Out of all of my grandparents, I've always been closest to him.

A bit of drama erupted on the drive home regarding someone at the church who had taken my dad's sermon the wrong way. There was nothing that could have been taken wrong; he was so very careful with his words, especially for such a sensitive topic -- but some people like to cause trouble, and the particular people I believe were responsible certainly fit that mold and have done things like that before. It really discouraged my father, though. I found myself encouraging him for the first time, which was really strange and eye-opening.

I guess I still see people who are my elders as untouchable. I look up to them, so it's hard to realize that they're a lot more messed up and vulnerable than you'd ever imagined.

I had that experience with my pastor, regarding the church drama. I've always viewed him as an untouchable leader, but in reality, he's just as messed up as you or me. I guess realizing this is a part of growing up, but still... it's disheartening.

I've been having the opposite experience with my own father, however. For much of my life, him and I had a difficult relationship; we still do sometimes. But it has only been recently, and especially now, that I have been able to understand him and realize what a fantastic person he truly is.

It's still going to take time, but I'm getting closer to being able to say "I love you" to him. Not that I don't love him now, but it's just a sentiment that I've always felt so far away from being able to say to anyone except for Nate.

And I do feel bad for all of the hardships I put him through when I was younger. Much of the time, it was very much undeserved.