In, Not Of

I am becoming more and more fed up with the world these days... with my generation, to be specific.

Now, I understand the rationale behind why they make the decisions they do. Heaven knows I've made a lot of those same decisions. But I always end up dissatisfied, and I know it's because everything I strive for during those times is temporary. It doesn't really matter.

I'm just tired of people putting so much value on those things.

The "in, not of" philosophy is one I've been struggling with. Last year and this summer I definitely identified with the "of" category. And I was happy... or so I thought. The pointlessness of everything nagged in the back of my mind... and as I started taking my relationship with God seriously again, I grew disgusted by my own behavior. So I decided to stop.

Now I'm having the opposite problem. Sure, I'm still struggling with cutting out all of the trash I put in my life during the past year. But I'm now so completely disgusted by the lifestyle that I'm having trouble relating to my fellow human beings.

I'm finding myself thinking, "I can't wait until I can live alone... maybe then I'll be able to get away from all of this stuff..." or "If I just move to a place with less people, it won't bug me so much, and I'll be able to live my own life and ignore their behavior..." or "Once I'm living on my own, I'll be able to create my own environment, free of everything I'm stuck in around here..."

But that's not how I'm meant to live either. I need... desperately need to learn to live in and love the world, without being destroyed by it. And frankly, that kind of thinking is dangerous. It's developing a series of conditions hindering my own success, instead of just letting go and letting God.

In all honesty, I'm not sure how to do that.