The Future

This past week or so I've been somewhat focused on the future. That is, I am now recognizing my time here at USC coming to a close. And it scares me just a bit.

I've spent these past two years here making this future for myself. I've pushed myself, in order to graduate a year early. And it feels right -- still feels right despite my ambivalence right now.

You see, leaving college is leaving adolescence well and truly behind me. I used to think that I left it behind in high school, and I do still believe that is true. I just recognize now that college is that awkward transitioning stage, where you're developing the skills to function as a well-adjusted member of adult society. I'm lucky I have had these years, and am not being suddenly thrust into a world more complicated than I could have ever imagined at age 17. But I'm also anxious, because I'm cutting the safety net. Once I graduate, I'm on my own. Even though I'll be doing midwifery training, I will be expected to be completely independent. These next few years will be the beginning of my new adult life.

I'm looking into either staying in Los Angeles or moving to the Azusa or Pasadena area, unless midwifery training needs me to move elsewhere. I want to study midwifery online with Midwives College of Utah and apprentice somewhere around the Orange County/Los Angeles County/Ventura County area. I still don't know if I will continue working for Priority One or find employment elsewhere, but I know I'll need a job.

Nate will most likely be at APU finishing up his undergraduate education and hopefully getting his PhD.  Somewhere during or after that, we're going to get married. 

It's all a lot to take in... quite a lot to handle.

Add in the fact that this year is the first year I feel like I actually belong at USC (and have friends! Oh the joy!) and you can quickly see why I would be loath to leave.

I want to stay longer. I wish I could stay longer. And who knows -- perhaps I'll end up hanging around for a little bit longer than intended if my schedule doesn't end up working out the way I hope it will. But I know in my heart that my time here is drawing to a close, and while that is very, very scary... I also know it is the right thing.

I'm ready. I've always known I'd be ready.

Sometimes I just feel like my life is rushing past me so fast I can barely reach out to grasp the things worth keeping.